Now That Some of You Are Reading

I’m wondering if it’s truly okay to be me?

Photo by Johan Mouchet in Unsplash

I’ve only showed my life to others in boxes. Some people I know see only one or two, some see more but no-one sees them all. I didn’t plan it this way, and it makes me feel vulnerable to admit this.

I know the contents of all the boxes very well. To me, they’re all open at once I and have no need to fragment myself. I don’t dissociate to cope, but shame is a big part of why others are only let into a few.

Since my Mum became very ill in my childhood, I’ve protected close others in the hope of minimising their pain. It wasn’t a conscious choice as a child but makes sense with hindsight. However, as an adult I would have opened more of my boxes for them if it were only about emotional protection. I’ve chosen to hide parts of my life.

Can I really claim to fully accept all parts of me if I still can’t creak some of their edges for family to peak in? I fear judgement and that makes me feel ashamed because I’m therefore judging them regarding potential reactions. I very rarely judge others and it serves my clients well. I’ve been brave so many times in life so why not with this?

I’m autistic and don’t take friendships for granted or make them easily. My mental health history has meant that…